Most of my summer clothes from last year were from when I weighed more than I do now, then I went from 140 to 115 fast enough to look downright dead. So I don’t have many things to fit the size I am now, yet I’m hesitant to do much shopping. I don’t want to buy things that fit perfectly right now only to have them not fit in another month if I suddenly start showing, but wearing maternity things don’t feel right while still not showing. Only reason I got maternity jeans is that I needed a new pair of jeans and thought I’d show sooner than this, back before I lost the twin. I still have a hard time with that, actually, and losing that baby makes it hard for me to be very happy right now. Every time I hear someone’s having twins, it’s like a little stab.
I’m hoping maybe soon though I’ll start showing. It would just be peace of mind for me. When I lay on my back, a bump’s visible. Not long ago my abdomen was concave, which is somewhat of a disturbing memory. I’m actually a bit disturbed thinking about being 20 pounds less than I am now.
While I wouldn’t trade being pregnant for anything, I’ll admit I’m a bit sad that this isn’t more enjoyable. I mean, we had planned to be moved by now closer to those I consider family, and here we are frustrated as hell that we’re still in this little apartment that we only ever planned to be in for a few months until the “big” move. I thought I’d be showing by now. I sure didn’t expect to be told that there’s going to be a contingency plan in the event that something goes wrong, as they’re concerned very well might, during the c-section. How many people have to deal with the possibility that they won’t live? A possibility big enough that the doctor is already making plans for if something goes wrong?
I’m not approved to do anything more physical than to take a walk. I’m not allowed to walk the dogs. Definitely not allowed to do any ballet. I’m passing my time sewing up a storm. Well, beading, at any rate, this last week. I’ve also been doing some light housework. It’s dull. But when I need a pick-me-up, I lay down and feel the bump I can’t see yet standing up.
We’ve got three appointments in the next two and a half weeks. So far all our genetic testing and all that good stuff has come back with the results we want. I’m not a carrier of anything they test for, and they did additional testing beyond the basic. It’s nice knowing that I’m not a carrier of those things.