Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

Just….stuff June 21, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries — Aria @ 2:52 am

http://www.webmd.com/baby/slideshow-fetal-development

Most of my summer clothes from last year were from when I weighed more than I do now, then I went from 140 to 115 fast enough to look downright dead. So I don’t have many things to fit the size I am now, yet I’m hesitant to do much shopping. I don’t want to buy things that fit perfectly right now only to have them not fit in another month if I suddenly start showing, but wearing maternity things don’t feel right while still not showing. Only reason I got maternity jeans is that I needed a new pair of jeans and thought I’d show sooner than this, back before I lost the twin. I still have a hard time with that, actually, and losing that baby makes it hard for me to be very happy right now. Every time I hear someone’s having twins, it’s like a little stab.

I’m hoping maybe soon though I’ll start showing. It would just be peace of mind for me. When I lay on my back, a bump’s visible. Not long ago my abdomen was concave, which is somewhat of a disturbing memory. I’m actually a bit disturbed thinking about being 20 pounds less than I am now.

While I wouldn’t trade being pregnant for anything, I’ll admit I’m a bit sad that this isn’t more enjoyable. I mean, we had planned to be moved by now closer to those I consider family, and here we are frustrated as hell that we’re still in this little apartment that we only ever planned to be in for a few months until the “big” move. I thought I’d be showing by now. I sure didn’t expect to be told that there’s going to be a contingency plan in the event that something goes wrong, as they’re concerned very well might, during the c-section. How many people have to deal with the possibility that they won’t live? A possibility big enough that the doctor is already making plans for if something goes wrong?

I’m not approved to do anything more physical than to take a walk. I’m not allowed to walk the dogs. Definitely not allowed to do any ballet. I’m passing my time sewing up a storm. Well, beading, at any rate, this last week. I’ve also been doing some light housework. It’s dull. But when I need a pick-me-up, I lay down and feel the bump I can’t see yet standing up.

We’ve got three appointments in the next two and a half weeks. So far all our genetic testing and all that good stuff has come back with the results we want. I’m not a carrier of anything they test for, and they did additional testing beyond the basic. It’s nice knowing that I’m not a carrier of those things.

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Trip to the ER April 30, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries — Aria @ 8:02 am

I had some cramping yesterday afternoon. Not a hell of a lot, but in such a way that I was worried. So we spent the entire night in the ER. The ER doctors are giving this one a 50/50 chance. Calling it a threatened miscarriage.

I’ll be seeing the doctor we’ve been seeing, Dr. Baker, at 10:50 this morning.

At this point, I’ve got this much hope:

 

Sharp pain March 30, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries — Aria @ 11:00 pm

In the center, right above my pubic bone, and then it feels like it shoots straight back. In the kitchen I was double over, couldn’t stand. I don’t know if this is normal or not. But if it happens again, I’m going to go to the ER. If it doesn’t happen again, I’ll still be calling the doctor tomorrow.

I’ll feel a lot better if someone can tell me this is normal and that it happened to them and things were okay in the end.

 

Test #14 March 25, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries,Testing — Aria @ 10:27 am

Just another test. By the way, I’m now 13DPO.

I should know within a few more hours. I’m sick with worry and nerves.

 

Test #13

Filed under: Fears and worries,Testing — Aria @ 9:53 am

I should have a “Nerves” category because that’s what I am. A bundle of nerves. My blood’s been drawn and now it’s just waiting until this afternoon.

Test #13 came back a lighter positive, but I’m not worried about that. The super-faint positive I had the other night was from the same lot (yes, I actually pay attention to the lot numbers of pregnancy tests). But it’s still there.

Yet I’m still so nervous I feel like throwing up. What if I get a call that everything’s negative? I’ll be a crying mess and heartbroken and then either have to go through surgery to close my tubes off lower than they’re already blocked, or plan for surrogacy. We’ve got a lot riding on this.

 

Heavy decisions February 23, 2009

Today we had an appointment with out RE and I ended up crying and feeling like an idiot when the doctor told me we’d been on her mind a few times since the test came back negative, and that she’s sad for us. Dr. Baker is very sweet. I like her very much.

Two IVF cycles without being parents is hard. So we’re going to do a natural FET cycle. Usually the cycle is medically controlled, but there’s new evidence than a natural cycle has a higher chance of success.

What this means is that we’ll basically go with my natural cycle using ultrasounds and OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) to determine when I will naturally ovulate, and then there will be just one injection of an hCG called Ovidrel. Seven days later we will transfer embryos. This is rather than using Lupron and other drugs to basically control everything to a T. And 15 days after the Ovidrel will be a pregnancy test.

If this cycle doesn’t work, we’re going to need to resort to using Essure to block up my fallopian tubes closer to my uterus. Right now they’re blocked higher up. Closing them lower down will lessen the risk of hydrosalpinx causing any problems. The downside to Essure while pregnant though is that it can result in a ruptured membrane, meaning a chance of early delivery, meaning I would be even higher risk than I already will be.

I believe the plan is to thaw four and hope to have two make it. The chance for each is about 80%. I know Dr. Baker doesn’t want to thaw more than four right now, to save five for the case that we need to resort to the Essure.

And this is the point where we’d need to weigh our options, to try the Essure or to try a surrogate. Adoption using an agency is out of the question unfortunately, so we really are at the end of what we can do. One cycle of FET, and then to either try Essure and then another FET with the risks, or a surrogate. We are incredibly lucky that two people we absolutely trust have both offered to surrogate without our asking. Rachel, a friend of mine since high school, is currently TTC herself, so I think she’ll be out for the time being. And Randi, Cody’s ex-wife (who is still a very good friend to us both) offered, and for some reason I can’t quite pinpoint, I really like the idea of her being our surrogate.

Heh, Cody and Randi would be listed together on the birth certificate and I’d have to adopt my own baby….

Lucky as we are in the surrogate-department, I’m still feeling very sad and without any hope. If this next try doesn’t work, should we go with a surgical procedure and implants that could result in early birth, or should we go the surrogate route and I’d be the adoptive mother to my own child, not on the birth certificate? I want to carry my own children, and now don’t feel like anything will make us parents.

 

Well… February 15, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries,Sadness — Aria @ 4:50 am

…I think we’re going to be out this month. I’m still tired like crazy, but not peeing 50 times per day and my boobs aren’t quite as sore and I feel a little cramping. I’m 11DPO and the test this morning was negative. I went back to bed with a heavy heart and feeling close to crying, though couldn’t seem to cry. I fell asleep and had a dream where the second line started to appear, although faintly. When I woke up again a couple hours later there was an extremely faint second line, but it was after the time, so just an evap line, so faint it might just have been wishful thinking.

How can I accept not having children? All my life the one thing I wanted to be more than anything was a good wife and mother, and I can be the first, but possibly not the second. I know Cody wants a baby, wants to get to be a father. I don’t know if it would be fair to stay with him if we can’t have a baby. I can’t have him sacrifice fatherhood for the sake of a wife. It just feels selfish to me to keep him for myself when it means giving up children. I know his mother wants more grandchildren and his brother wants to be an uncle. Would it be right to steal that from them too?