Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

Just….stuff June 21, 2009

Filed under: Fears and worries — Aria @ 2:52 am

Most of my summer clothes from last year were from when I weighed more than I do now, then I went from 140 to 115 fast enough to look downright dead. So I don’t have many things to fit the size I am now, yet I’m hesitant to do much shopping. I don’t want to buy things that fit perfectly right now only to have them not fit in another month if I suddenly start showing, but wearing maternity things don’t feel right while still not showing. Only reason I got maternity jeans is that I needed a new pair of jeans and thought I’d show sooner than this, back before I lost the twin. I still have a hard time with that, actually, and losing that baby makes it hard for me to be very happy right now. Every time I hear someone’s having twins, it’s like a little stab.

I’m hoping maybe soon though I’ll start showing. It would just be peace of mind for me. When I lay on my back, a bump’s visible. Not long ago my abdomen was concave, which is somewhat of a disturbing memory. I’m actually a bit disturbed thinking about being 20 pounds less than I am now.

While I wouldn’t trade being pregnant for anything, I’ll admit I’m a bit sad that this isn’t more enjoyable. I mean, we had planned to be moved by now closer to those I consider family, and here we are frustrated as hell that we’re still in this little apartment that we only ever planned to be in for a few months until the “big” move. I thought I’d be showing by now. I sure didn’t expect to be told that there’s going to be a contingency plan in the event that something goes wrong, as they’re concerned very well might, during the c-section. How many people have to deal with the possibility that they won’t live? A possibility big enough that the doctor is already making plans for if something goes wrong?

I’m not approved to do anything more physical than to take a walk. I’m not allowed to walk the dogs. Definitely not allowed to do any ballet. I’m passing my time sewing up a storm. Well, beading, at any rate, this last week. I’ve also been doing some light housework. It’s dull. But when I need a pick-me-up, I lay down and feel the bump I can’t see yet standing up.

We’ve got three appointments in the next two and a half weeks. So far all our genetic testing and all that good stuff has come back with the results we want. I’m not a carrier of anything they test for, and they did additional testing beyond the basic. It’s nice knowing that I’m not a carrier of those things.


One Response to “Just….stuff”

  1. psychohist Says:

    Do keep walking. Towards the end of her first pregnancy, Elizabeth was starting to get winded really easily. Going to the gym every day rather than every other day fixed that. I’m convinced that her being in good shape really helped with the uneventful pregnancy, when friends her age were having miscarriages. My theory is that being in better shape means the baby doesn’t get starved of oxygen.

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