I just got home from the first OB appointment (and ultrasound #7, sheesh, but no new pics to share). I saw first one doctor, and then the one who will ultimately be responsible for my care until we move (if we do). I’ve lightly scratched the surface of my medical history here, but went into all of it there. When the doctor came in, after the first, she sat down, and, after introducing herself, took a moment before speaking. Then she said, “Without a doubt, you are very high risk.” No surprise. She had a look of bewilderment, like, “Why on earth did you get pregnant?”
Anyway, there’s a new way to give birth or something. See, they’re hesitant to do a c-section because of how many surgeries I’ve already had. They’re hesitant to allow a vaginal birth because of how many surgeries I’ve already had. That thing that pops out on the belly where the belly button is? If you push it with a secret code, you tummy will deflate and the baby will appear on the table!
Seriously though, this is an uncomfortable conundrum.
I know the risks on both sides. Frankly, I am not willing to live with the likely outcome of a vaginal birth, and that is that the j-pouch ruptures again and I have to have an ileostomy. When I say I am now willing to live with that again, I mean it, and those with power of attorney should anything happen understand and will honor my wishes. If an ileostomy is needed to save my life, I am to die. Period. No matter what. If the doctors won’t let me, I have a suicide plan in place. This is no joke, and don’t dare think I’m insane. If you’re never lived with your intestine through your side, a bag connected to you that inflates frequently during the say so that the world can tell your body isn’t normal, then you’ve got no idea how miserable these thing are, how much of a freak you feel like. I am never going to do that again. Cody knows this too, and he respects it. Though he’d miss me, he understands it’s not fair to ask me to live in such misery.
I am willing to deal with the infection rate and muscular concerns of a c-section, and what may happen to my abdominal muscles. At worst, what would happen is cosmetic, not a quality-of-life issue. My abdomen and stomach are already so cut up and scarred. What are a few more scars when my worst is 10″ long and over an inch wide and very noticeable?
I am not a child. I know the risks in both directions. I’ve studied on this for years. So I am very annoyed that she’s hoping to find a way to deny a c-section. It isn’t my idea of fun either. My dream birth would be un-medicated and at home. But I’m not willing to risk an ileostomy, and anyone who dares to think I should because it can’t be that bad is free to go to hell, and I’ve told several people to do just that. I’m the one who’d have to live with it.
So I am somewhat pissed off right now. I know what I need and what I’m willing to live with. ELECTIVE c-sections are done all the damned time, despite the infection risk compared to vaginal. I don’t think anyone has a right to try to find a way to make the choice for me to have a vaginal with what the risks are in my case. I have an appointment in three weeks. If I get the feeling again that the doctor is going to edge toward a vaginal despite my wishes, I’m willing to leave that hospital. My wishes WILL be respected and followed. I am the one who has to live with it.