We had an appointment today. One of the babies has no heartbeat and measures 6 weeks 5 days, and so died on April 15th. The fate of the other is iffy because of this. I’m now carrying the remains of my fourth dead baby and this may result in me losing my fifth, the third loss for Cody, potentially a fourth.
Never in my life have I wanted to die more than right now. I’m 28 and have been through more medical hell, loss, and terrorizing trauma than most people will go through in entire lifetimes. I’ve lived though my intestine digesting itself, severe toxemia, being hit by a car, deaths of friends, my drunk dad threatening to kill me, gun pointed at me, two bouts of homelessness, my family ripped apart, baby after baby lost, and this just scratches the surface. Life is not worth this. It seems that all I’m doing is trying to live until the next terrible event in my life. Anything to look forward to gets taken away. The only thing that hasn’t, the ONLY thing, is Cody moving here. My babies get taken away, our wedding gets taken away, security gets taken away, everything gets taken away, and I’m fucking sick and tired of living for this!!
If anyone ever wonders why I gave up on the idea of “god” years ago, it’s for shit like this. People who molest and beat kids and hurt other people can punch out baby after baby, and people like me keep losing them and don’t qualify to adopt or foster – I’ve tried. As if it wasn’t hard enough and expensive enough to conceive, I keep losing my children. If I’m wrong and a “god” exists, then I’d rather burn in in hell that to worship some asshole who apparently thinks it’s fun to make people like me suffer while evil, cruel people have babies easily. If this “god” is so smart and can see all and actually cares, then why does this fucker let babies go to people who won’t care and will hurt them? Unless it’s entertaining to see suffering. And anyone who intentionally makes others suffer is the one who can go to hell if it thinks it’s worthy of any sort of worship or praise.
There is nothing at this point that can compensate for the losses and shit I keep having to suffer through. Fuck this life.