Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

Santa Barbara recap, and other news April 24, 2009

Filed under: Frustrations,General thoughts — Aria @ 2:43 pm

First off, we had planned to tell Cody’s mom on her birthday about the babies, but the day before that, there was a BBQ, and several relatives over, so we decided to tell her then. We had the pictures in a photo album and wrapped it and let her figure it out for herself. She opened it, looked at them, and I pointed out that there are two. Then she looked up and asked, “You’re pregnant?” and I told nodded, then she shrieked and happy times ensued. All the women crowded around the book to see, and the guys tried to keep a cool demeanor and Cody’s uncle was excited to be a great-uncle again. 🙂

Then we had plans to meet with Cody’s dad, Doug, and his girlfriend, Dale. I was nervous, as anyone who’s been reading this would know. So we got to the restaurant before they did, and I worked on calming my nerves. I wasn’t there when his dad found out as I went to the bathroom. But the story as relayed to me is that his dad could tell something was up, so asked, “So are you having a kid?” and Cody pulled out from behind his back the grandfather book and ultrasound pictures and handed it to him, and Dale got it first, and then Doug got it, and, well, I worried for nothing. He was thrilled! A couple times I swear it looked like he was tearing up. He told us he’s looking forward to taking the kids out for Slurpees, getting them hopped up on sugar, and handing them back to us to deal with the hyperactivity. 🙂 He also shared a couple stories, one humorous, one touching. The humorous one is that when Cody was about four or five months old, he was sleeping between his mom and dad and kicked his dad so hard in the crotch that his dad rolled to the floor in pain. Why are crotch-shots so funny? But the touching one is that Doug said the highest and lowest points in his life happened 45 days apart – Cody’s birth, and his own father dying. It was really sweet to hear about how Cody, despite not having had the chance to meet his grandfather, has so many of his mannerisms and features.

That was our Sunday.

Monday we did stuff and relaxed.

Tuesday we checked out wedding venues.  The place within our budget is far too small, and the place that’s perfect is about $2,000 too much with us having to buy two of every expensive baby item (two cribs, two car seats, decent tandem strollers cost more than twice what single strollers do, etc.), so I don’t know if we will realistically be able to afford much of a wedding since we’re on our own for all of this. I’ll admit this is a bummer, but if we don’t have the money, we don’t. With the baby things we’ll need to buy (buying one of everything and reusing for the second doesn’t work when they come at the same time), we’re looking at only being able to spend maybe $2,500, and that’s pushing it.  I just don’t know what we’re going to be able to do, or if anyone but me even cares.  Most of the guests will be from Cody’s side, and they’ve already been to his first wedding, so this would just be a second wedding for them, I believe, and so not a big deal.  At the end of the day, married is married though, whether it’s a quick, cheap affair with a justice of the peace, or a beautiful event with family and friends all there.  I know the celebration and all that goes with it doesn’t matter, so I feel shallow for being disappointed that it’s all evaporating before my eyes.  Maybe it’s just that a wedding is something most people get t have, and so many of the normal events I didn’t get to have (16th, 18th, and 21st birthdays were terrible, graduating was a mess and I didn’t get to participate, etc.), and so this, which is one of the last, I really wanted the memories of, like saying, “I do,” and the first dance.  But we have our priorities, and that is the stuff we will need for our babies.  And I can’t help but feel that, because we really won’t be able to spend as much as we’d like for certain things due to needing two of everything, we’ll somehow let people down, even though we’ll be doing the best we can afford to do.  Money doesn’t appear out of nowhere for these things, and I don’t have two living parents or even one sane one to help with wedding costs, and my friends are so dispersed that there won’t be a baby shower.  I’m going to talk to Cody about just going to the courthouse soon.  If we get the legal stuff out of the way, then there can’t be any dwelling on the pretty wedding because it will be over, an we can focus on baby things we’ll need to buy.

For dinner, we were originally going to meet Hugo, Bryan, and…for the life of me, I can’t remember the other. But the other guy didn’t make it. Instead we had Hugo, Bryan, and the friends of Cody’s that weren’t all so cool last time I saw them, plus the ones who were (Kurt and Kelly). This time they were all very awesome, and I liked that. After sushi (California rolls for me, cooked stuff), we headed back to “the house” where a chunk of them live, and had rather lively conversation. Based on this time, I now like them.

Wednesday, after a day at the zoo with his mom, we met Doug and Dale again for dinner. Was I really so intimidated by Doug before? Dale never did, but Doug intimidated the hell out of me. Perhaps this has to do with my own dad being dead, so a worry that I won’t live up to any expectations the only person in a father-authority position might have. These two are such an awesome couple that, just between you and me, Internet, I hope they get hitched. 😉

On Thursday we broke the news to Cody’s pseudo-sister, the doll I think I mentioned, Ari, and then dragged out heels on leaving. We did check into apartments for moving, and OUCH, rent here seems even worse when we saw large apartments, 3br/2ba apartments with much more space, more than twice, an in-unit washer/dryer, gas ranges, pretty much every amenity other than a fireplace, for a little over a hundred more than we’re paying for this small 1br/1ba unit. If we get one of those 3br units, I could have a dedicate sewing room again, which is badly needed with how much sewing stuff I have and how much room is needed for things such as my embroidery machine.

So we got home late-ish last night, late for how early we had to be up today to get Cody to work and for me to leave for an hours-long-each-way drive to pick up the girls. We’ve missed the dogs and cats. So next up is an appointment Monday for another ultrasound, an intake appointment on Tuesday with the obstetrics department, and lots of trying to arrange things to hopefully make this move work quickly, trying to line up moving with the new Apple opening with having enough time to give a full 30 days’ notice with getting the help to get stuff moved. So life won’t slow down for…35 years!

Sadly, while I want to be excited about twins, I can’t help but worry about the cost of two of everything.  One changing table is fine, of course, but two cribs, two carseats (and we will NOT negotiate when it comes to this extremely important safety item – the brand we have picked is not up for reconsideration), etc.  One of each, and we could have a little more fun with what we do, but we are instead looking and fairly utilitarian, basic things that get the job done instead of the pretty nursery most new-parents-to-be have so much fun getting together.  Mom’s usually got family to ask for help though, and I don’t.  But if we just go to a courthouse soon, then that would free up the money we’d otherwise spend on our little wedding for the things we have to have.  Why, oh why, did I actually look into what I’d like for a wedding, and discuss it with Cody, and start toying with designs for a wedding gown?  Ugh, that was a mistake.

Well, this post sure went all over the place.  Tearing up from elation to tearing up from frustration over a stupid wedding we can’t afford.  But there’s no point, so just have to move on and do what needs to get done.  Needs before wants in this life.


One Response to “Santa Barbara recap, and other news”

  1. psychohist Says:

    Utilitarian is fine for babies. I don’t think Margaret even notices what we put on her, unless it gets in the way of her crawling or something. They grow out of things so fast, anyway.

    Obviously you need two car seats for twins, but I’ve seen comments from people with twins that they can get away with one crib. A crib is huge compared to a newborn, and can still easily fit two older babies – maybe even four in a pinch – until they graduate to their own beds.

    You may get a fair amount of baby clothes from relatives – if not yours, then Cody’s. Cody’s mother sounds like she’d enjoy every chance of buying some cute baby thing if she had a good excuse. I know my mom really enjoys sending clothes for Margaret. Hand me downs are also a good source if you make friends with some couples with older kids – my wife gets a lot from one of her coworkers.

    Really, the biggest financial hit is not the things you have to buy, but giving up one income – or if you kept two jobs, child care expenses, which is kind of the same thing. Unfortunately, that’s just something you have to plan around.

    I wouldn’t give up the wedding quite so quickly. Once the kids are born, you’ll be spending pretty much all your free time on them – your time with Cody to work on your relationship will be extremely limited. The wedding will be your last chance to really do something for the two of you for a long while. It’s always nice to go through your wedding pictures and remember your wedding together, and keeping your relationship with Cody strong will be important for the kids, too.

    Also, weddings are not as expensive as they seem. You’re obviously not the kind of person who thinks of a wedding as a way of getting gifts – which is good – but people who go to a wedding still end up giving gifts. If you put baby things like the car seats or a crib fund on the registry, the wedding could take care of a lot of the initial baby expenses.

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