Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

I want… April 30, 2009

Filed under: General thoughts — Aria @ 9:25 pm

…to go back to Santa Barbara. I almost typed, “back home to Santa Barbara,” even though I have never lived there.

I want to go back in time a couple weeks so I can be happy enjoying a twin pregnancy instead of now worrying if every twinge and ache is sign of the imminent loss of the other.

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Baby pics from today

Filed under: Pictures - Ultrasound,Prenatal appointments — Aria @ 6:04 pm

I don’t like how in the ER, they wouldn’t tell me ANYTHING at all, not even the length they measured, because the technician says that’s “diagnosing” a condition. I also wasn’t allowed any pictures. So these are from Dr. Baker’s office (I fully endorse this woman and this RE clinic, absolutely!!).

Look, arms. And legs!

And this one was for the heart rate. Right between those two lines is the heart.

I still have a hard time accepting that the other one won’t start to grow again and catch up.

 

I saw my regular RE doctor

Filed under: Medical appointments and stuff — Aria @ 12:44 pm

Talk about a day for emergencies. The ER was packed, and then Dr. Baker was running behind too. Understandable – someone was found to have an ectopic in her office this morning as well as someone miscarrying in the office. And my own appointment was made last minute, so probably pushed things even further behind.

My RE doctor does NOT agree with the ER doctor. Adamantly. She saw nothing at all to indicate an elevated chance of losing this one over the chance of miscarrying otherwise, certainly not as high as 50%, as the ER doc said. When I left the ER, it was with information about threatened miscarriage and very little information otherwise. When I left Dr. Baker’s office, it was with a couple more ultrasound pictures, and I swear the baby waved on the screen. Yeah, little arms and legs moving about and facial features starting to be noticeable.

The sac is firmly attached all around, and the yolk sac is right at the size it should be. The crown-rump measurement is 24.5mm, and the heartbeat is 172bpm.

The sac for the other looks as if it is detaching a bit, with some of it being absorbed by my body, but there is the chance of some of it passing. This detaching, she said, could be part, if not most, of what’s causing the cramping and spotting, and it could get heavier if the sac passes instead of being absorbed. She said though that if it was the other one, that it would be easily noticeable as a baby. The first one I lost, back in March 1999, was easily identified as a human baby too, and that is something no one should ever have to see.

When Cody gets home tonight (poor thing was up all night in the ER with me after getting home from work at 10, and was scheduled to be in at 8:45 this morning, though his boss obviously made an exception, but he was still in by 10:30 or so, so no sleep) he’ll scan the pictures from today, and I’ll post them. I swear the baby waved. I didn’t even say anything thinking it was in my head, but the doctor herself waved back and said, “Hi, Baby!” That was sweet. I’ll go back next week.

 

Trip to the ER

Filed under: Fears and worries — Aria @ 8:02 am

I had some cramping yesterday afternoon. Not a hell of a lot, but in such a way that I was worried. So we spent the entire night in the ER. The ER doctors are giving this one a 50/50 chance. Calling it a threatened miscarriage.

I’ll be seeing the doctor we’ve been seeing, Dr. Baker, at 10:50 this morning.

At this point, I’ve got this much hope:

 

Today’s ultrasound…didn’t happen April 29, 2009

Filed under: Frustrations — Aria @ 4:56 pm

I got down there on time, but it isn’t where I normally go. So I had no idea there was a $6-fee to park. Cash. I had $2 and some change on me. The OB nurse didn’t tell me that where she was sending me for the ultrasound had a fee to park. If she had informed me, I could have had some cash on me. Instead I got there and had to turn around and leave.

Now know nothing about what’s going on with the remaining baby, and you can bet I’m sick with worry. I don’t know if it’s still alive or if it’s dead.

I’ve had to wait a few hours to calm down so I didn’t write my most-expletive-filled post to date.

So now the new ultrasound appointment is at 10am on Friday. I am not happy about waiting some more.

Also I am increasingly unhappy with living in this area. Only Cody’s awesome co-workers and a few other people prevent me from hating everything about this over-priced, overly-busy area. I can’t wait until we’ve moved and I can have a sewing room again, and either a nursery or a guest room. Best of all, it’ll be to a slower area where the weather is always nice and it’s perfectly acceptable to relax for a day on a hammock instead of that being considered time wasted. And I love Cody’s parents and their SOs, and so would be thrilled to get to see them all more. And one of my aunts isn’t too far from there, and when I was growing up, she was my absolute favorite relative. I don’t know why, but she was, and I once threw a fit on a plane to sit by her. I really can’t wait to move.

 

Week 10

Filed under: Pictures - Ultrasound,Weekly — Aria @ 8:54 am

So ends weeks nine, so starts week ten.

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

Also, here are a few pictures from Monday. I don’t know what I’ll have to show later after today’s ultrasound.

Crown-rump

Squirmy

Eyes

 

Thoughts, and an update of sorts April 28, 2009

Filed under: Confusions,Frustrations,General thoughts — Aria @ 7:54 pm

Miscarrying is never easy, but twisted as this sounds, I think it gets easier to “get over” when it keeps happening, like a flare of anger at everything in the world, and then soon after, it’s like what the hell, what did I expect. I’m 28 and have lost four, Cody is 26 and has lost three, do we really expect that anything will come of this in the end? Not anymore. My latest loss was at about 16 weeks. I don’t have this belief that it can’t happen to me, because it has happened, and happened again and again and again. I’ve had more miscarriages than the average American woman has pregnancies. We don’t know why it happens like this, but it does.

We’ve both done everything right. I’ve given up my favorite foods (do you have any idea how much I love tuna and raw sushi?), I’ve given up my favorite drinks for the caffeine in them, and I’ve given up my beloved ballet classes. Before getting pregnant I whipped my butt into gear and lost about 180 pounds to get to the best weight for this. We arranged our lives so I wouldn’t have to work while pregnant but could instead dedicate myself to relaxing and having the time to eat right. My drug-addicted whorish cousins have no problem getting pregnant and bringing babies to term while doing crack and drinking nightly, multiple babies in teen years, and here I am, unable to get one past 16 weeks (my first), despite doing everything right. Do you have any idea how temping it is to live their lifestyle and see if there’s some magic behind it? What I’m doing clearly isn’t working.

One of the things you learn when infertile and have suffered repeated miscarriages on top of it is just because you’re pregnant, there’s nothing to say you’ll stay that way. So I’m pretty stupid to have presumed it would stay that way with me just because we saw both heartbeats, and they were both steady and strong.

And after so long of being injured and re-injured, the scar tissue on the heart begins to get thick enough that it takes a lot to penetrate and feel anymore. I don’t feel any happiness at being pregnant anymore with this remaining one, and almost wish I wasn’t so that losing this baby will just get over with and I could go drown myself in our alcohol cabinet.

Right now I feel a lot of bitterness. It’s about all I can feel. That and cynicism. Perhaps not surprisingly, I’m also rather self-absorbed right now, and apologize in advance if these less-than-desirable temporary traits become apparent in any replies I make. I assure you, it’s not my intention. I’m just not in a good mental place right now and am mostly shut off. When I shut off, my better judgment goes out the window too.

So today I had an appointment with a high-risk intake nurse. All my medical records or not, I am easily high-risk at this point. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound in radiology, which I guess is better than the regular ones. I don’t know. If anyone can fill me in, I’d appreciate it. We’re going to try to determine what risks this remaining bean has, and if there are any clues as to what happened to the other one. The chance of this one being just too hidden for a clear view is so unlikely that it’s just stated as a loss instead of a probably or possible loss.

I guess all I can do here now is try to be supportive of others and take another loss with a grain of salt, or maybe a whole truckload, and feign joy I don’t feel. Maybe if I hit 20 weeks (ha!) I may feel some happiness again.