Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

Know what makes this harder? February 16, 2009

Filed under: Sadness — Aria @ 5:43 pm

Well, first, our neighbors have a baby. The only sound that gets through the walls is their baby. Often. Doesn’t matter which room I’m in, I can hear their baby. And it makes me want to slam my head into the walls.

And the next person who wants to say, “Well, you can just try again,” nonchalantly, had better shut up or put up the money for it. $17,000 per IVF cycle (we’ve done two), or about $6,000 for a frozen transfer, which we will try next, plus the costs of other testing and procedures we had to do prior to the first IVF cycle startig. This is different from people who ask if we’ll be able to try again. Some people do just think we can easily try again, like money isn’t an issue. Okay, so maybe some people are rich enough that this kind of money isn’t a big deal, and maybe some people don’t want kids so they don’t see why this is a big deal. Don’t tell us we can just try again unless you’re willing to give us the money for it. If it’s not pocket change to you it sure as hell isn’t pocket change to us either. The people I know with the kind of debt we now have either have it for grad school loans or for a house. They got something for it. We got nothing. Nothing but heartache and tears and more debt to pile on. And Cody is willing to take on as much debt as it takes, six figures if we must, and I am very thankful to him for that

And anyone who thinks that the disappointment and sadness an infertile couple feels after a failed cycle is no different than a fertile couple who tried and didn’t get it that month – get the hell out of my blog. You’re not welcome here for that kind of insult. This is nothing, NOTHING, like what a fertile couple feels. They can just try again and have lots of fun sex. It’s free for them. It’s fun. They have the knowledge that they can try again. For us, the question is if we can afford to take on more debt. Trying again the next month means gambling a lot of money and doctor’s orders for NO sex and painful shots. So it’s a lot of money and it’s no fun and it hurts.

Yes, I actually was told that fertile people feel the same kind of disappointment. No they fucking don’t!! And it’s incredibly stupid for someone to say that!! Let me see if I can find a way to explain it so anyone who doesn’t understand can understand…. Imagine driving a mile to Disneyland, and when you get there, it’s unexpectedly closed. Okay, you’re disappointed that it’s closed, you don’t get what you want, but you can go back the next Saturday. No big deal. Now let’s say you flew across the country to get there, saved up for a long time, spent a lot of money getting there, and you finally make it, and it’s closed. Well, you can’t go back the next Saturday. The journey’s too far and costs too much. When you can go back will depend on when you have that kind of money again, or can get the credit. So your disappointment is much large compared to the local person. And now make it a child. The potential “pay-off” is higher. The sting is much, much greater, for the infertile, incomparable to the fertile person’s annoyance at having to wait a month. The fertile person has the chance to try again. The infertile person may not.

I actually had someone tell me on a forum that the disappointment a fertile couple feels is the same thing. That made me incredibly angry.

Right now I don’t care about what’s going on with most people other than my IF friends. We are in mourning right now. Our dream died a little bit more. So I don’t care about anything right now except the dream of parenthood and those going through the same heartbreak we are all suffering.

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