You know, I have the embryo picture of the babies on the fridge. I see it every time I go into the kitchen. I can’t make myself see them as real right now. It’s been several weeks, and yet I am in denial more than anything right now. I have 15 embryos currently incubating, and what I keep thinking instead is that I should still be pregnant right now. Four positive tests. They’re still in the bathroom. I can’t make myself throw them away. Even before the blood test that showed my HCG level was back to below 1, I knew in my heart that they were gone. Even with the positive tests, I could feel it in my heart. I tried to hope, did hope I was wrong, but knew I was right.
I am still sore from the retrieval yesterday. Sure, they knocked me out so I didn’t feel my uterus being punctured, but there’s still pain that comes afterward. I can inflict a good deal of pain on myself and not bat a lash, but I’ve taught myself to be very aware of pain in my abdomen. Just one of those things. What with having had colitis and losing my large intestine, and then a rupture in my small intestine because of the accident that made me infertile, I’m just hyperaware of any pain in my abdominal area. And I hurt. Bad enough to…actually take medicine. I have always tried to avoid taking and pain meds unless absolutely necessary, but I’m on pain meds right now.
And I’m thinking about how I shouldn’t be feeling this pain right now. I should still have the ones I lost. And I think it’s because of this thought that my mind and heart are in denial. I can’t stress and cry all the time right now. Though I feel like it sometimes, and that makes me angry at the world.