Are we parents yet?

The Clements’ IVF Journey

PMS times 20, and a bunch of random, semi-related paragraphs with a rant January 20, 2009

Filed under: Financials for IVF,General thoughts,The process — Aria @ 3:40 am

We got the statement from United. Sure enough, they’re claiming almost $4,000 for the Follistim. Now to wait for the statement from Apothecary. There’s already precedent in place showing United pulling crap to get out of paying.

It’s night night for the Lupron, and I’m not a happy camper. This is the time when I’m stuck dealing with a period in addition to the Lupron effects. For me, the Lupron makes me itch for half an hour or so, gives me monster headaches, loopiness (it’s referred to as Loopy-Lupron for a reason), makes it hard for me to focus, meaning I’m not driving any more than absolutely necessary because I don’t want to cause an accident, especially since I’ve never even had a ticket, I feel flaky, don’t feel much motivation to even sew anything since I lose focus, and have to deal with food craving for the same food.

Both last time and this time all I’m wanting are potatoes, three of them diced with butter and lemon pepper and garlic salt thrown in the microwave for 15 minutes, then mashed, add a couple ounces of either colby-jack or cheddar cheese, in the microwave another couple minutes to melt it, mash it up, and add about half a cup of sour cream. Repeat every five hours or so, ’round the clock. Also, like last time, I’m easily nauseated by nothing at all. I can just be sitting here and next thing you know I’m running to the bathroom.

Really, the shots don’t get any easier. I dread them all day. If Cody didn’t give them to me, I couldn’t do this. IVF is really awful for someone with a severe phobia of hypodermics. It’s hard for me to even look at them. You’d think one would get used to it, but that’s not the case for someone with a true phobia of needles. I lay on the couch with my hands pushing into my eyes, feet hitting against each other, muscles tense, the top of my pants down or skirt up, so Cody can give the shot in my abdomen. He’s gotten good at doing it quickly. On Thursday we add back in the Menopur, the stuff that burns like fire, and the Follistim, which isn’t too bad. Not pleasant, but it doesn’t burn or itch. After five days or so last time I started to feel bloated really bad, so I’m not looking forward to that. There were 24 follicles that produced 14 eggs, but each follicle was about the size of a king marble. So imagine having a couple dozen large marbles shoved in your abdomen with very very little time to adjust.

Yeah, this whole process isn’t fun. Last time I looked forward to it with a naive optimism. It didn’t cross my mind that we’d have to do it again. I thought for sure we’d end up parents instead of mourning loss and repeating the process.

This time I don’t feel the same excitement. I’m more afraid and no longer feel the certainty that it will happen, more like it might, it might not. Rather than feeling sentimental and sappy over shows with babies and Gerber commercials because that would soon be my family, I see these things and want to cry from sadness. Last time I was captivated by shows like John & Kate + 8 and Bringing Home Baby. This time, I have only a little interest. Like last time, I’m fed up with seeing those damned Duggars all over TV. It’s like pouring hydrochloric acid on an open would being related to those people rather than the salt on an open wound last time.

My issues with the Duggars doesn’t stem from jealousy. It stems from them having so damned many that their older children take complete care of the younger ones and they have a sign-up sheet to see mom or dad one-on-one, appointment-style, and can take months. They mix up their kids’ names! They have so many children that they don’t have the time to get to know them and appreciate them for the individuals they could be if they weren’t forced into being teen parents. They have all these children, yet their children are strangers to them. TLC’s shows play this off for humor, but it’s really really sad. So many infertile people would love to get to know their own children, and here my mom’s cousin and his wife have so many they don’t even know their children. What’s the point? Oh, right. Attention and to attempt to out-populate non-Christians in this world. No, I’m not just saying that. It’s part of the Quiverfull movement. When I was Christian still, I was repulsed at the thought of any one religion trying in any way to rid the world of other religions, even if it was fellow Christians trying to rid the world of other religions. This is a terrible reason to have children, and a terrible job to give children.

It is important to us that our children be children and not be given a task before birth, and that they grow up respecting all religions and all people who don’t hurt others. Gays, transexuals, Christians, Jews, Pagans – respect. Those who hurt others are a different story. But respect those who don’t hurt others when they do their own thing, believe what the believe, be who they are. We believe the job of parents is to instill in their children acceptance and respect and morals and responsibility. While the know-how can’t come 100% from research as each child responds differently to different methods, we have researched different methods and discussed what we want them to learn.

Their education is important to us, and we’ve decided that our first choice for education is Montessori, but we are realistic and know Montessori is one of the most expensive types of school for young children. Easily $15,000 or more per child per year, and discounts for more than one child at a time is not more than a couple hundred dollars per year. If Montessori isn’t feasible, and really, it might not be on the salary of two people 28 and 26, then our next option is to home-school. Public schools don’t let children learn at their own levels. Both Cody and I were heads of the class and know the boredom that comes with not being challenged and suffering grades and just feeling like school was time wasted. On the flip side, if a child doesn’t get something just yet, the child still must move on with the rest of the class, falling further and further behind. What I believe we will ultimately do is home-school using Montessori methods.

Wow, this post makes me sound crabby and like I wouldn’t be a fun mom. I certainly hope that won’t be the case, that I will be a fun mom instead, but I am definitely feeling crabby. This is like PMS times 20.

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