From today’s appointment:
I have eight follicles on each side that are over 10mm and ten on the left and 11 on the right that are under 10mm. This feels like 16 king marbles and 21 regular marbles shoved in me. I was wondering why my abdomen looked poofy, and then it hit me. These follicles. The doctor today said we are on track to give HCG on Saturday (after an ultrasound that day!) and to get the eggs out on Monday. Woot!! What a way to spend my birthday. I won’t complain! Also the cyst has shrunk to 16.5mm, which is fantastic. I am also under stricter orders to basically do nothing. Because of the weight of the follicles, they can cause contortion of my ovaries and fallopian tubes, and apparently this is a very serious, potentially-life-threatening emergency. So I’ve basically got to sit here doing nothing all day. This is all really so very physically exhausting. I know, I know, pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park either.
Oddly enough, there’s a lot of fear that comes with this. Mainly fear about how I’d handle it if it doesn’t work. While things have come together in a VERY short period of time (first appointment here was only October 30th), it’s been nine years of dealing with this, trying to accept it, trying to find a way to make it happen, trying to make myself hate kids so I wouldn’t want them, crying, dealing with relationship trouble from exes who wanted kids I couldn’t give them naturally which led to every one of them who wanted kids to cheat on me (one conceived with someone else and left me to marry her). The earlier of those years I wasn’t ready for kids yet, but had to deal with the belief of never getting to have them. After nine years of trying to find some way of managing my emotions, it’s still unusual to think that it could maybe happen. I’m afraid to hope, and I’m afraid to not hope.