Fuck fuck FUCK. Why didn’t he tell me he started having doubts? WHY?! So he SAYS he didn’t want me to be sad, but did he think he’d be able to hide this forever? Did he not stop to think that, when I did find out, that any sadness might be compounded with feeling lied to?
He says he doesn’t feel ready, that he knows some doubts are normal, but he doesn’t know if the level he feels it falls in that normal range. He said ideally he’d like it to be when he’s 27 (December 7th of next year is when he turns 27), but he knows that cuts into our already-shorter-than-usual time frame, but he is “willing” (his word, not mine) to go ahead anyway because we are against a clock and don’t know when time runs out (family history of endo and very young hysterectomies – my mom was 28, her mom was 31, and her mom was 32, so, already being down an ovary, the docs aren’t hopeful for me beyond a couple more years) and because we have insurance (now) that covers most of it whereas we don’t know if we will in 2010.
He feels his life can still be just as fulfilling without a baby. Mine won’t. But can I go forward with trying to conceive a baby the father doesn’t feel ready for and doesn’t want yet? Or would the better option be to wait to try in a year and a half, even if it means we end up not being able to have a baby in the end? Is it worth it for that baby to conceive it when we have the best chance and hope that the father ends up feeling different when it’s born? Or should we wait, even if it means possibly losing the chance?
In my spinning fall, I was desperate for ideas, and actually tossed out the idea of IVF using donor sperm so I can still be a mother and he he wouldn’t have to be a father legally and wouldn’t be obligated to help with the baby in any way, and could adopt later if he decided he wanted to be. He got a bit offended and said he wouldn’t raise a child who thought of him as anyone but as father, regardless of genetics.
If he is willing, should we go forward and take the chance that he might/might not want the baby later, or should be wait even if it means a substantially decreased chance of having a baby to begin with?