Reading another community made me think about labor and delivery. You’d think just finally being able to get pregnant would be all that’s needed for life to be perfect, but there’s a part of me that’s very sad I won’t get to have a vaginal birth. Nope, not possible. No large intestine and my small is stabled together (meaning I will be high-risk during the third trimester). Due to the staples, there’s concern that the stress of active delivery could cause them to pop, and that would kinda sorta kill me, and I don’t need to be brought back from death a third time. Third time’s a charm and I probably won’t come back the third time. I always wanted to give my child a start that didn’t involve drugs coursing through her system so I can be cut open.
I feel like I must be some fort of freak for sitting here sometimes trying to imagine what it’s like “knowing that tomorrow is the day,” of trying to imagine what it’s feel like to have a belly “out to here” or to hold a baby, even so far as to hold my arms how I’d hold a baby. Sometimes I swear I can almost feel it. It’s these perhaps-insane thoughts that keep me going. I’ve been called insane here on LJ for admitting I love a baby that has not yet been conceived, and have had pro-choicers tell me I must be anti-woman for loving a future-baby when a baby isn’t a baby until birth (according to them), so definitely can’t be loved before birth.
Cody told me the other evening, unexpectedly, that he already loves the baby. That surprised me, maybe because he’s pro-choice and I’m pro-life, so we don’t completely see eye-to-eye on certain things, though he has been starting to see unborn babies as actual people instead of “a blob of cells,” as he really used to believe. Either way, I thought it was very sweet, and I was very touched, when he said this.
Is there any point to this post? I don’t know. Yes. No. I just need to vent so I don’t keep crying. Much of the last two weeks has been spent crying or on the verge of it. Even my “escape,” ballet, isn’t much help and I can’t focus in class and pointed my foot during a frappe, stubbing a toe hella hard. I’ve lost motivation to do much more than sit online and try to distract myself. I’m even feeling pangs when I look at our dogs because they are mom and daughter. So time playing with the animals doesn’t help much.
Yesterday was the day we were going to start this cycle, until United decided to be a bunch of bastards. Everyone we’ve spoken with from Apple, from the store level on up to headquarters (a good part about living here right now is that getting headquarters involved in “small” things is easy because it’s so close, walking distance), everyone has said that this policy is supposed to cover it up front, no other way. MOST of the people I’ve spoken with at United have said the same thing. A couple have tried saying we’re supposed to pay first because payment is due before services are rendered, but the others I’ve spoken with, included one of the managers, said that, as we have an EPO, the rates are contracted, so known up front, so should be directly covered. But somehow still no one knows what’s going on.
And I feel so lost.